How to Get New Band Members

How to Get New Band Members

Captain Chet Lawson's Snake Oil Revue

Do you have a band? Are you looking to add new members? Here is the perfect way to get the best new band member.

Write down your influences- This will be a list of bands to show how cool you are. Really, your band sounds nothing like them since your band basically sounds like a dead rat singing Lady Gaga in a box of suck. However, this list is used to trick potential bandmates into thinking that you MIGHT be playing some cool music.

Trash past members- Make sure you list in detail why you kicked out your past five bass players. Did they try to sleep with your girlfriend's younger sister's pet goat? Were they not into playing only your songs? Are you a control freak who likes to dress up as Tom Cruise and sing I'm a little tea pot? Whatever the case, make sure you get into details and make yourself look like a winner.

Post songs- Make sure you have a few songs that potential bandmates can listen to on the web. Be sure to communicate the fact that these songs are not the direction you want to go anymore and that you are now wanting to sing 1840's French lullaby's in the style of King Missile 3. Also, the more hideous sounding the better. Did you use just one fisher price mic plugged into a old cassette deck you found at a flea market? PERFECT! And remember, tempo and pitch are for suckers.

Be very specific- make sure you have a list of songs you want the new member to learn. Give an unreasonable time frame for them to learn these songs. A good idea is to come up with 34 songs and have at least 20 of them not feature the particular instrument you are trying to find. For example; Looking for a drummer? Tell them then need to learn all the parts to "It so hard to Say Goodbye" by Boys II Men. looking for a bassist? tell them they need to learn the extremely great bass lines played by the chick in Hanson. Looking for a singer? Direct them to learn Fur Elise.

Follow these simple steps and you too will be able to fill that open position in your band. GOOD LUCK!

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