PSA- American Idol Sucks

American Idol Attraction at Disney's Hollywood StudiosThe following is a Public Service Announcement from Mr. Jarg Hammondjeeze, the personal psychiatrist and lift-style consultant of the Crunchy Western Boys:

Do you watch American Idol? Or you perhaps watch The Voice, or America’s Got Talent? Let me tell you this; you are the problem.

What problem you ask? These shows are doing for music what McDonalds has done for the hamburger. They made it cheap, tasteless, and available on every street corner. In other words it’s been reduced to the lowest common denominator. Or for you Seacrest viewers who may be big-word-deficient: IT SUCKS! It’s like having Ted Geisel re-write Shakespeare: I cannot get this spot out on a train; I cannot get this spot out on a plane, out spot I say, out dammed spot you are a pain!

And since when did everyone start singing like Maria Carey strapped down to a table with electrodes attached to her unmentionables? Those vomit inducing vocal movements are called ululations for anyone that gives a shit, and they must stop! You could get the bends listening to singing like that…yes actual air bubbles will form in your bloodstream causing great pain in your joints. It’s true. I saw it on Fox. They’re also a leading producer of green house gasses. Every time I hear ‘em I nearly shit myself…ululations, not Fox. Fox makes me queasy and feel like I’ve just been touched in an unclean way by my uncle Mort…but that’s a different story.

We must make it stop.

Reverend Horton HeatOr perhaps we can make it interesting! How ‘bout we make it so if we DON’T like a contestant the members of The Reverend Horton Heat will take the stage and beat the snot out of the singer? Where were they when that old English chick opened her warty rictus?

Watching American Idol and saying you’re a music fan is like burning down your house to stay warm…it’s like kissing your sister and getting a chubby…it’s like watching your friend get sick and then eating his vomit because it’s ‘easier’ than cooking, it’s like cutting open your wife with a light saber and crawling inside to stay warm…(and I thought she smelled bad on the OUT side!).

Turn off your TV! What in your history together led you to believe TV has anything artistically worthwhile to offer? The world would be better served by endless Monkees re-runs.

Stop supporting commercial radio. They've been serving the audio equivalent of ‘pink slime’ for years…either that or micro-waved left over’s from 30 years ago…”Just scrape off the mold and hand it back to the dumb fuckers on the other end! It’ll be fine! Look at TV! Those morons will eat ANYTHING! Here comes that Old Time Rockin’ Brown Eye!” Fuck that! Fuck American Idol, fuck music companies and radio programmers telling you what YOU want to hear. Dig deep! Find good music…there is a crap load of it out there; you just have to turn down the Pink, er I mean, the slime to hear it...

Now, all of you have yourselves a cocktail, a joint, get laid, whatever it is you do to get it together, and then get up and ignore the heck out of this crap. You’ll feel better.

Jarg Hammondjeeze is a practicing amateur psychiatrist (gotta practice to get better!) and a bar-banned for-life-style consultant in the employ of the Crunchy Western Boys. Who, by the way, are completely ignorant as to what he gets up to when he’s out of their sight. The opinions expressed here are absolutely correct and if you don’t like ‘em…tough.

Check out the Crunchy Western Boys…if you dare!
Tupelo Music Hall, June 15th White River Jct. VT
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