We join a rather cranky Jarg Hammondjeeze, the Crunchy Western Boys psychiatrists and life-style consultant, as he sips a large absinth and holds forth on a variety of topics. Including, but not limited to bands, music, time, spelling, the Beatles, and turn signals…
Your Band: Good seeing you again!
Jarg Hammindjeeze: How great is it that we can get real absinth in the states now? Don’t answer. It’s pretty great.
YB: What do you think of the new boy band One Direction?
JH: Boy bands are back? Fuck! How the hell did that happen? I stop paying attention for one fucking minute, and…hey wait! Is it a coincidence that absinth becomes legal right before a new boy-band wave? I hope so. I’d hate to ponder the pure evil it would have required to make a deal like that…
YB: I know you work closely with your band/clients. Is there one piece of advice you’d like to pass along to kids just starting out?
JH: Are you a musician? Do you NOT own a metronome? Get one yesterday you talentless hack…time is even more important than those three chords you know. And no, your new metronome is not broken. You time is just really shitty. That’s why the drummer hates you. Well, that and your personality…buy a metronome; you can fix your time!
YB: Any bands that have caught your ear recently?
JH: Have you notice that all that Mumford and sons stuff sounds a bit ‘samey’? The English are usually pretty good at bringing American music back to America…I think in this case it was more akin to what my cat leaves on the stoop after being out all day…D.O.A.
Hey! D.O.A.! Who remembers Bloodrock? That song used to scare the shit outa me as a kid when it came on the radio! And while I’m on that subject, why does radio suck? I mean aside from the fact that most stations are now owned by two companies who seem to share one tone-deaf, and tasteless, program director… And why, even on the rare decent station, do they still not play even a fraction of all the good stuff out there? Ever heard of Terry Anderson?
JH: He made one of the best REAL rock-n-roll albums of the last 20 years…and don’t even get me started on NRBQ. Ever hear of the Shaggs?
YB: weren’t they…
JH: Do you even listen to music?
YB: well, yeah, I write for this music web-page…
JH: Speaking of things no one has ever heard of; use your turn signal for the love of Pete!
YB: Well! That’s a bit of a left turn!
JH: (glares) The turn signal is there to ‘signal’ your intent to ‘turn’, not just for your hand to hit WHILE YOU’RE TURNING!! And, oh please god, learn how to deal with a fucking roundabout would you? (sighs) You don’t need to put your blinker on to ENTER a roundabout, we all know your gonna be taking a right…you need to putyour blinker on to EXIT it!! It’s not that hard.
YB: You seem to be on a bit of a rant today…
JH: Good absinth will do that to ya! I think it’s the wormwood…And another thing! Stop buying scratch tickets when I’m trying to get a coffee. It’s not a casino, it’s a convenience store…or it was until I spent 20 minutes behind you ‘letting it ride’ on your dollar ticket. You’re not gonna win. Go buy a book or something. And while we’re on the subject; a magazine is NOT a book…oh! Learn to write. E-mail is a letter, a composition if you will...not a dumping ground for your bad grammar, lack of punctuation, or ALL CAPITOL PARAGRAPHS! Stop YELLING! If I see one more person substituting ‘are’ for ‘our’ or messing up the ‘there’s’ or the ‘to’s’ once more, I swear to god I’m climbing into a clock tower with a case of vodka and rifle! Speaking of words…let’s talk about songs.
YB: sure, yeah, I guess…do you have some advice?
JH: Are you in a band? Got that metronome yet? Do you write songs? Well, for fucks sake, 64 measures of G-C-D while your guitar/keyboard/xylophone player weedly-weedly-wheedles away is not a satisfactory way to spend time between your lame chorus and two versus. Write a bridge. Keep your song under 5 minutes. It’s a busy world; I’ve got shit to do. Also, if your not a jazz band? Get a singer! We thought that chord progression was cool…and then every one of your 15 piece band…including the drummer and bass player…took a fuckin’ solo. Are you trying to put me in that clock tower? Have you heard of the Beatles? They can do in three minutes what most bands FAIL to do in ten!
YB: Some people feel they need more time to express…
JH: Would you shut up already? That’s another thing. People who say they don’t like the Beatles…you jaded prick! You don’t like the Beatles huh? Well, let me tell you a little secret: ALL OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS DO! Dumb-ass…
YB: I think you’re being a bit harsh…
JH: You do huh? Speaking of hipster douch-bags, how great is it that the latest Strokes album sank without a trace? Don’t answer. It’s pretty great.
Somebody get me another drink!
Thanks to Mr. Hammondjeeze for the uplifting and joyful interview…
CRUNCHY WESTERN BOYS!
TUPELO MUSIC HALL, WHITE RIVER JCT. VERMONT!!
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