Crunchy Western Boys- Band Rule Book

Crunchy Western Boys- Band Rule Book

Crunchy western boysThe Crunchy Western Boys are a Folk/Bluegrass band from the great northern section of NH. They are quite amazing. Last night while The Crunchy Western Boys were playing one of their many shows around the state- we broke into their practice space. What we were looking for was their famous “Band Rule Book”. It is not exactly a “book” but a printed piece of paper with the rules that each member of the band must follow. It is full of some great suggestions that all bands should follow- It is also filled with typo’s, spelling mistakes, stupidity and a nude of Morris. Without their permission we have decided to post their rules for your consumption. We left out the picture of Morris-

“Crunchy Western Boys- Band Rule Book”

crunchy western boys1. Steve gets paid one dollar more per show since he is the prettiest and brings all the ladies. If Steve is having a bad hair day this dollar increase will be diminished by the inverse percentage of number of hairs out of place of the left upper quadrant of Steve’s head. If that section has no misplaced hairs; a coin will be flipped (must be a 1923 Philadelphia minted penny). Heads or tails will be called by the shortest male within 23 feet of the back door. The outcome of the flip does not impact anything except the floor.

2. No shorts on stage. Shorts make you look unprofessional and we are not here to look like fools. If any shorts are seen on stage, the band member responsible for the shorts shall be sacked. Shorts during sound check are allowed but only if they cover the knee completely or have pictures of lobsters, naked pirates or hams.

3. Carpooling is not allowed to shows. This is our own personal quiet time. We will not spend this time forming bonds that will last a lifetime. Instead we will all use separate gas guzzlers to help with global warming. Each band member shall drive alone and in silence while internalizing the tasks needed to be done for the upcoming show or if driving home, reflecting on the mistakes of the night

4. We are the best band we can be, when we are being the best band we can be, while being it. So lets do this.

Crunchy western boys5. Electric guitars, basses and drums are for people with their heads firmly wedged in their backsides. We will not ever entertain the idea of going electric. Bob Dylan was a dumb-dumb.

6. With a rebel yell we will cry more more more. In the midnight hour we will.

7. Get the Fuck off stage!

8. People in this band will get tattoos. Since we all need to have the same tat on the same place we shall all get “I love Amber” on our bottoms… Jacob already had it done years ago sooooo the choice has already been made. If any member refuses penalty will be a tattoo on their bottom that says “I love Amber”.

9. The upright bass is a gimmick. It is just here for looks. During all performances it shall be placed at a sound volume that is somewhere between jet engine and furby.

10. The first rule of CWB is that no one talks about CWB. This rules is our last rule. Ummm wait. Crap. This rules is bad. How about we just say pizza on Tuesday’s? Yeah, Tuesday is pizza night.

What rules did the boys miss? Comment them below!

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