5 Things Every Guitar Player Should Know

5 Things Every Guitar Player Should Know

1. Make sure to learn the intro to Nirvana’s ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’- Any chance you get, play this little riff and then laugh. Then play it again and smile. Then play it again and duck the flying fruit.

2. Get a 7 string guitar- You want people to know you are better than them. Two words, extra strings-is there any better way to express your superiority over others? I think not. When another guitarist shows you a new lick they learned, you can confidently and smugly explain that their C Mixolydian scale over the root or fourth would sound so much better if it was really accented with a low B to pound out the 6th. Also….If you have seven strings you can also send us hate mail for arbitrarily putting some theory lingo into one sentence. I mean; Everyone knows that you should really be playing it over the 5th and the B will supplement the 3rd.. well unless we are talking about classic mixolydian .. then toss all of it out the window!

3. Loudness over tone every time- When you are picking out an amp to purchase; make sure you buy one that is LOUD!!! Like 2000 watts. Don’t pick a nice quality amp with 15 or 30 watts of power. NOOOO. You need to buy a fender super reverb with 4 speakers and more power than Jimi Hendrix had at Woodstock; that is what you need to fill a tiny little bar with your sound. Don’t pay attention to the fact that everyone in the bar (and in your band) hates how loud you are. I mean, come on… you are the guitarist. You need to be loud and annoying-

4. Distortion and reverb are your best friend- let’s face it- learning all those solos is hard work. Lots of work. Your best move is to half-ass the parts- then cover your mistakes with distortion. No one in the audience will know that you are messing up if you drown that crap tone in reverb and distortion. In fact most people in the audience are not even paying attention to you. They are busy trying to shout at a pretty member of the opposite sex. And When I say distortion….I mean TONS of distortion… and even more reverb. Why would the reverb go to 10 if it was not meant to be maxed all the time.

5. Hey you- yes you- Stand still….you are a bass player not a guitarist- Stop reading this article. We are coming for you!!!! I know I know… you are a frustrated guitarist that was not good enough to play lead guitar so you picked up the four-string. I mean, it is soooooo much easier to find a band that is looking for a bassist then one that is looking for a guitarist. It’s great that you like to hold down the low end- but PLEASE- stop taking bass solos in the middle of songs. No one wants to hear it. No one. Your solos are annoying, your band hates it, the audience gets distracted and your mom is disappointed in your life choices. Do us a favor- Never play anything above say the 7th fret.

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